Azog vs the Fangirls
by kyoiku kanji
Summary: Azog discovers that he actually feels sorry, nay protective of Fili and Kili and warns them that there are worse things than a pale orc who wants them dead.
1. Chapter 1: Azog vs the Fangirls

**AN**: This isn't exactly my first Hobbit story -( that's in the process of being edited/beta-ed etc) but it seems every time I write in new a fandom, I have a story in mind and before I'm ready to publish a comedy comes out. Looks like the Hobbit is no different.

I was being mean to Kili and well... I was joking with a friend about what sort of things Azog could do to him... this is what came up from that discussion.

Standard disclaimers apply - I own nothing here. The Hobbit and the characters belong to JRR Tolkien with movie rights to NewLine/WB etc.

Hope you enjoy it...

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**Azog vs. the FanGirls**

Twelve dwarves paced the confines of their cell with the precision of a drill team, each one lost in their own thoughts. They continued to pace, each passing the other with practiced ease, never faltering, never stumbling. Never faltering that was until the anguished cries of the thirteenth member of their party echoed from what had to be the goblins' torture chamber.

The guards had dragged Kili from the cell what seemed like hours ago, but this was the first time his cries had reached their ears. The sound was so hopeless and full of despair that each of them stopped and stared fearfully in the direction of the sound.

Fili remained frozen place as the echo died down. He hung his head, knowing there was nothing he could do for his brother, not now, and if the Goblin King were to be believed, he would have his turn soon enough.

Hesitantly Thorin began pacing again and one by one the others followed suit. They had almost started to relax when another cry, even louder than the first filled the corridor outside their cell. They turned as one, and gasped as they saw two guards dragging Kili back towards the cell. As the guards drew closer, they could hear Kili's mewling sobs.

Before Fili could reach his brother, they grabbed him. He had only enough time to register the shocked look of abject horror in his brother's face before they dragged him away.

He tried to steel himself, but if they could destroy his brother so utterly, what chance did he stand?

Fili struggled, but there were simply too many of them.

With practiced efficiency the guards strapped him into a chair then bowed as their master stepped forward.

Looking up, Fili began to struggle in earnest. There was no way he could mistake his captor- he had heard too many stories about Azog the Defiler growing up.

"Ah, good," the Orc said, pausing long enough to make sure the subtitles were in order. "You can read this can't you?"

Fili frowned then nodded slowly, trying to control his own breathing.

Azog gave a curt nod then turned. "In front of you is a collection of what is called 'FanFiction' I'm afraid your brother is featured more prevalently than you are… but well… I want you to read the stories I've favorited."

Fili paused and gave Azog a worried look.

"It's okay," the subtitles read as the orc grunted at him. "The device is gesture controlled …"

Fili's eyes began to tear over as he read what had been placed before him. He could feel his heart drop at the tortures and evils Azog had perpetrated on his brother. Rage filled him as he forced his eyes away from the screen and glared at Azog.

Hatred filled his voice as he growled at the white orc. "You… you did… this to him?"

"Me? No. That's the Fangirls. Scary lot if you ask me."

"Then… then why are you showing this to me… why did you show it to him?"

Azog sighed. "He had to be warned, and there was no easy way to do it… and I figured… you're his big brother—you should know what you have to protect him against."

Fili let out a trembling sigh. This hadn't happened to his brother—not yet at any rate.

"Now what?"

"Well… now I have to explain 'slash' to your uncle… and figure out how he's going to take 'Thorin/me."

Fili let out a blood curdling cry somewhere between agony and laughter.

"That was pretty much your brother's reaction," the subtitles read as Azog sighed before giving up. It was hard being evil when the fans were so much worse.

"Maybe I can open a taco stand somewhere."


	2. Chapter 2: Azog - Taco Vendor from Hell

**AN**: I didn't expect another one... it just kinda... happened.

Who can resist the image of Kili cowering behind a Tortilla maker and Fili teasing him.

- Standard disclaimers apply - No infringement intended. JRR Tolkien, WB, NewLine, Wingnut... they own the rights... I just borrowed the characters.

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**Azog - Taco Vendor from Hell**

It was supposed to be a one-time deal: No sequel- let alone three. I mean, be honest: who wants to read about a Taco Vendor, orc or otherwise?

Okay, maybe if you're hungry you might talk tacos but let's face it "Azog Taco Vendor from Hell" was retired, at least retired from being the evil pale orc that wanted to destroy the line of Durin (he'd turned that family business over to his son Bolg), and then suddenly he found himself standing between some very ticked off looking FanGirls and a very scared Fili and Kili.

"Que? Como?" He demanded (he'd been working on his Spanish, which, as a taco vendor, people expected… well that or Korean—very strange place LA.)

"You forgot where, when and why," Fili said, cheerfully as he raided the Carne Asada bin.

"When did you learn Spanish?" Azog asked, surprised.

Kili nodded towards the subtitles. "Still got 'em, but in this case I think it's a really good thing."

The younger Dwarf ducked behind his tortilla maker and refused to get up.

"What is wrong with you? You're a freakin' bad-assed warrior and you're here hiding out in a Taco Truck," Azog growled at him in a combination of Spanish, Korean and Orc-ish. (Kili was thankful for the subtitles, though he was a little slow in reading them since he had to peek around the tortilla maker to get everything.)

"Tell, them, that!" Killi answered nodding towards the FanGirls surrounding the truck.

When Azog saw the terror in the dwarf's eyes, he relented, and turned towards Fili.

"Is it really that bad?"

Fili smirked, twirling his mustache. "Lately I'm the big brother who can do no wrong and has to protect his baby brother."

"Well, you always were a bit protective of him."

"There's protective as in, he's the only direct family you've got and he's like a built in best friend, then there's the 'he's my baby brother who never grew up and still sucks his thumb."

"But… you're both in your fifties aren't you?."

"Yeah, but someone decided that since we live longer we also age slower… so while we're just legal adults in Dwarvish society, We act like teenagers who've never seen the world."

Kili looked out and settled back down behind the taco maker, a small rectangular box in his hand. "Unless you look at the 'Fili and Kili as teens stories. Then it's not as bad."

"Has the torturing eased up?"

"Some," Fili answered. "For a while they latched onto Bolg… it's easier to spell, but you know, with a moniker like "Azog the Defiler' and that hook, you've got recognition… besides…"

Azog bowed his head. "He couldn't take it, could he?"

"Don't feel bad. You know how it is, You're dad's this big dude… hard shoes to fill.." Fili said, trying to soften the blow.

"He just couldn't take the 'theirs was a forbidden love…' stories with Thorin." Kili added.

"Or, alternatively Me, Kili, Dwalin… Balin…" Fili continued.

"The Necromancer, Radaghast…" Kili added as he prepared to tick off the names of the other dwarves.

"...I get the idea..."

"He's selling shoes in Pacoima," Fili finished with a slightly sheepish shrug.

"Hey, you're hiding out in a Taco Truck," Azog grunted angrily.

Fili shook his head. "No, he's hiding out in a taco truck," he said nodding towards his brother. "I'm having some Pico de Gallo…. Pretty good too."

"You can't stay here."

"Don't worry," Kili said, doing his best to scan the opposition without showing his head. "We should be safe soon…"

"How so?"

Kili held up the rectangular box and Fili frowned. "You stole one of their phones?"

"I'll take a picture of us with it and make sure she finds it later—but for now, she's just tweeted that she's seen us over at the Shawarma place on third, and that we'd used our stunt doubles as decoys.

Fili bounced on his toes for a minute and shook his head. "But I *like* that Shawarma place."

Kili frowned. "These are desperate times. You'll just have to find a new one… or wait until Legolas gets some screen time."

Azog sighed. Some things never changed.

-:-

As for the third story, it was enough to make even Azog seek therapy..


	3. Chapter 3: The Fan Girls Strike Back

What makes the embodiment of evil cringe? Is it the weapon that is destined to destroy him? Is the Hero that faces him, unafraid? Or the hero's companion who selflessly fights to save him in an act of sheer desperation? No, ultimate evil had far worse denizens to fear...

* * *

Azog had heard it said that the master swordsman feared the novice… because there was no telling what they could do. Personally he thought it was a bunch of philosophical verbiage meant to make fools sound profound.

Besides, he was out of that business, now it was just taxes and the 11:30 taco lady who insisted on getting free nachos out of him that kept him up at night, well, that and the franchise idea. Evil Tacos was doing well and let's face it, defeated villains needed to eat too. He knew that if he could get one or two of his old bosses to cough up the dough and sign on, they'd be set.

He had just started to go over the franchise documents the lawyers had drawn up when he heard a knock at his door. One look through the peep hole and he knew he was not going to like whatever it was that had brought not just Fili and Kili, but their uncle Thorin as well.

He knew better than to keep them waiting. The longer they were out in public the better chance there would be of someone seeing them, and then this whole thing would be over before it had really had a chance to start.

"What are you thinking, coming here?" He demanded grouchily. "You've got to stop hiding out at my place."

Fili spoke first. "We aren't hiding," he explained as he began checking the windows just to be sure.

"Really? 'Cause from here it sure looks like you're making sure you haven't been followed."

"They aren't hiding," Thorin confirmed stoically.

It took Azog a moment to realize that the elder dwarf was purposefully distancing himself from the Taco Vendor. He thought for a minute and had to agree. Some of the Thorin slash Azog stories he'd read were pretty scary… even by his standards.

"This is an intervention," Kili added as he began inspecting the contents of Azog's fridge.

"Intervention?"

Fili gave him a sideways glance before returning to looking out the window. "You haven't been reading any more fan fiction, have you?"

Azog held his hands up. "I haven't touched the stuff. I told you… some of it was too freaky … even for me. "Why? Did someone come up with something worse than me maiming Kili for the forty-seventh time?"

"Forty-seventh?" Kili asked with a derisive snort. "Try Three hundred and forty seven… and no, thank you, that's not the problem."

"Then what?"

Fili backed away from the window looking to his uncle for support.

"Azog," Thorin said, not unkindly. He had done them a favor warning them about what was out there—it was time for him to return the favor. "You better sit down for this…"

He sat down. "What? Am I pregnant? Did I revert to a teen-aged version of myself? Am I second guessing my life choices in Kili's embrace? Tell me I haven't joined a book club…"

"Worse," Kili said as he brought Azog a beer from the fridge and plopped it in front of him.

When he stared at the beer, Fili nodded. "You're going to need that…"

Azog looked from one Durin to the next and took in their grim expressions. He grabbed the beer and chugged it. "No…" he gasped when he could drink no more.

"I'm afraid so son," Thorin said patting his shoulder. "You've been Mary-Sue-d."


	4. Chapter 4: Azog vs the Drinking Game

**AN:** This one sounded better in my head- but I so loved the image of a maudlin would be King Under the Mountain... Drinking ... and perhaps drunk dialing... but definitely drunk.

Standard disclaimers are sill in action.

Stay tuned for 'Azog vs the spell checker'

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**Azog vs… the drinking game.**

It was late by the time two cloaked figures approached the warehouse. They moved with practiced stealth, all too aware of what had happened the last time they'd been captured. They watched the door for a while, and then panicked as they heard the unmistakable sound of their uncle… singing.

They moved quickly, knowing if any fangirls were in the area, they would be betrayed by their uncle's unmistakable voice and, as Kili was quick to point out, if they didn't stop it soon, there would be an upswing in the number of human babies conceived within listening range.

Fili had barely raised his hand to knock on the door when it was flung open and he found himself and his brother being grabbed and dragged in. Hearing the door slam shut behind them, the two stood back to back expecting the worse.

What they did not expect was a disheveled Azog with bloodshot eyes, staring at them. His panic was palpable.

"Thank Aulë, you're here…"

"What? What happened?"

Azog shook his head. "Your uncle stopped by and he seemed… really out of sorts, and I couldn't get a word out of him… I tried everything I could think of… I think it was finally the Patron that loosened him up enough… but…"

"He's been reading again, hasn't he?" Fili asked, his tone despondent.

Azog nodded. "And you know me… I'm not what you'd call a touchy-Fili guy…"

Fili's shoulder's sagged at the pun. "Thanks."

"Sorry… attempting to lighten the mood… "

"Failed," Fili assured him, still focused on his uncle.

"Anyway," Kili asked getting more and more worried as his uncle's singing started to get, if possible, more maudlin.

"Anyway… he's fixated on one facet of fanfiction, and well… I haven't been able to get him to stop. I've even tried innuendo and pre-slash fluff… nothing's working."

Fili fixed his gaze on Azog, a cold realization coming to him. "He's hit the deathfics hasn't he?"

"Big time." Azog answered. "And I've tried filtering them, I've tried blocking the sites, but he keeps finding them, and… it's like nothing else exists for him."

"And the drunkenness?"

"He's using some drinking game he found online…"

"Drinking game?" Kili asked with a frown, after all: how bad could a drinking game be?

"Yeah… you know… Fili worries about you… take a sip. Fili swears he'll protect you… take a shot… You give puppy eyes to anyone, take a shot… you say it hurts… shot… One of you dies, take a double… You two die arm in arm, drain the bottle… you get the idea."

He waited for the full impact to hit the boys before continuing. "He's already drained a case of JD and he's still in the single death scenes."

"He knows its fiction… why can't he move on…"

"I don't know, but I'm hoping you can get through to him. He keeps insisting you're both dead…"

Kili thought about what Azog had said and realized that coming out and just showing up, might send Thorin into shock.

Fili thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but agreed with Kili.

Azog thought the whole fan fiction thing was silly, although he did, truth be told, rather like the drinking game. He paused… then smiled his best evil smile. He had the solution right in front of them.

Fili backed away from the orc warily.

"Relax," the orc told him as he stepped over to his netbook. "The solution is right in front of us…"

"What?"

"If you can't beat 'em… join 'em…"

And that is how Azog, the Defiler, Taco Vendor from Hell became 'KiliandFilicannotdie73' and how Fili and Kili had ended up drunk on his couch.


	5. Chapter 5: Azog vs Autocorrect

**AN**: I think we've all been here at one point or another

Standard disclaimers apply

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**Azog vs… the auto correct**

Azog sobbed in frustration.

All he wanted to do was cheer Thorin up—have some fan girls save the boys from his evil machinations before they were scarred for life, but Thorin's own frustrations had confounded the operation.

To be fair, Thorin had been going through a bad spell, believing (alternatively) that Fili and or Kili were dead, about to be dead and or about to suffer a fate worse than death. In a fit of rage he had taken Azog's beloved netbook and thrown it into the nearest concrete wall.

And now, he was forced to write under the guise of 'KiliandFilicannotdie73' on his smart phone. It wouldn't have been so bad if the auto correct didn't keep fighting him every step of the way.

Azog vs the fangirls' he wrote… or tried to. The first attempt at 'Azog' resulted in' Schiff.' He tried again, with the exact same results. He switched from swype to actually typing … Agog… Azov… What the hell did it mean Azov? Then 'Vs' Became VA, and he had no idea how 'Fangirls became Canfield.' Sometimes technology was almost as baffling as Fanfiction.

_Schiff...Schiff…Agog... Azov_  
_Azog VA ...VS the Canfield ...Fangirls_

_stupid ducking spellchecker_  
_Coolio kilo...KilI_

_Gilli... File...Fili_

_Thorin paddleboard...Paddleboard_  
_Colleagues_  
_Oakenshield_

_Stupid ducking autocorrect _

_Daniel...synfuel...venturi...hangul...Fangirl_

_Stupid ducking fabrication _

He managed to keep from throwing the phone at the same wall that had taken his netbook, but only just. And so, Azog the Defiler, Azog the taco vendor from hell pulled his knees to his chest and wept bitterly.

It just wasn't fair.


	6. Chapter 6: Azog vs the Poker Game

**AN:** The heirs of Durin, Ori, Dwalin and Azog playing poker... who can resist?

Standard disclaimers are still in play.

* * *

**Azog vs… the poker game.**

It had started harmlessly enough, a simple game of cards with… if not friends… at least allies in the fight against … what?

"Defamation of character!" Thorin suggested.

"Nay," Dwalin answered, for he too had ended up on the wrong side of some rather unseemly fanfiction of late. "Terroristic threats!"

"Stalking," Ori added in a meek tone as he looked at his cards then studied the pile of plot lines involving him… and the ever increasing pile of plots he'd 'won.' Betting was simple—you wanted to free yourself from as many plot lines as possible: the catch: the loser (or first to fold due to being unable to make the bet) 'won' thereby increasing his collection of plot lines that tormented them. After a moment's hesitation, he pulled out a slip of paper and put it in the pot. "Slash."

Kili rearranged his cards and thought for a moment before pulling out two slips from his own pile and nodding. "I'll see your slash and raise you a Hurt/Comfort/Angst."

"You always raise Hurt/Comfort/Angst," Ori objected.

Kili looked at the plot synopsis pile in front of him and back to Ori as if to say, 'If you got 'em…'

Fili smiled, drawing two slips from his pile, and adding them to the pot. "That's one Slash and and a Hurt/Comfort/Angst to you," he said to Azog.

Azog sighed and nodded. "I'll see the bet… "And after a pause added, "and raise you a romance."

"Romance?" Thorin asked giving him a knowing look.

"Yes, romance, are you in or aren't you?"

Thorin practically beamed. "I'm in. Dwallin?"

Dwalin smiled smugly as he met the bet and said "And… I'll raise you a western!"

"A western?" Ori asked incredulously as he began searching through his pile. "I don't think I have a western."

"You know your choices," Dwalin said, staring pointedly at Azog. Azog cringed a little, praying the timid dwarf could find *something* that could be construed as a western. He was tired of Dwalin duping his unwanted plots on the lad.

It was Fili who stood up for Ori. "Dwalin, you know that's not fair," before turning back to Ori. "Ori, just use that 'CrackFic' you found, I'm sure there's some kind of western in there."

He looked around the table and everyone agreed that would suffice: everyone that was except for Dwallin.

With relief he pulled out a piece of paper that said "CrackFic" on it and added it to the growing pot. He was all too aware of how close he'd come to taking yet another pot.

Kili quickly added a slip of paper, and when Dwalin called him on it, Kili explained. "It was a 'Mary-Sue/Alternate dimension, Fell through the cracks hurt/comfort story'… she was an Indian Princess, who ended up in Middle Earth… being an Indian she could shoot better than me, ride better and looked even hotter than I do."

Everyone shifted uncomfortably and took a drink at that before the bet went to Fili who smiled at his brother and added a slip to the pile. Before Dwalin could say anything Fili chuckled, but it was Kili who answered the unasked question.

"Same story… she had a twin sister."

Azog drew a deep breath, and grinned as he too added a slip of paper.

There was a pause as Dwalin noticed the smile on all three Durin heirs and Azog's faces. "Same story? All of you?"

All four nodded.

"Millionaire banker's wife, who wanted the princess for her own, but crossing over found her true calling as … my Mary Sue," Azog admitted with a slight shudder.

"Overbearing Aunt," Thorin commiserated, raising his glass to Azog's.

Dwalin thought for a moment and sighed. He'd tried. "Fine… who has the lowest hand, hoping someone had something lower than an ace high. When his hopes were dashed he sighed and began collecting the pot.

Still, it was better than the collection of original Hurt/Comfort/Angst stories the Durins had stacked up. There seemed to be a never ending pile of those.

* * *

**AN:** If you have ever contemplated a time/dimension shift involving twin Indian Princesses, their overbearing aunt and a power hungry banker's wife with delusions of evil ending up in middle earth... I'm sorry (an/or I'm interested in seeing it)


	7. Chapter 7: Azog vs the Moniker

**AN**: I wanted to keep this clean, but you know 'The Defiler' has mayn meanings and this particular meaning is too much even for him. (If you don't know the meaning... please look it up.)

Sometimes... you just gotta feel sorry for the guy with the unfortunate name...

* * *

**Azog vs the moniker**

Fili and Kili were early for the weekly poker game Azog had started hosting for abused fictional characters of a Tolkien nature. It had been actually been good for all of them to get away from the spotlight and sometimes intrusive fandom, and just… remember what made them, them.

They all agreed it was hard to remain yourself after you'd been… tortured/maimed/courted/shaved/drugged/beaten/mugged and generally made to suffer for someone else's entertainment. And the game gave them a chance to kick back, relax and be themselves.

When they got to the door they were surprised to find it ajar and worse—there was no sign of Azog inside. They moved quickly, bolting the door behind them while they began a systematic search of the warehouse. It wasn't until they'd reached the upstairs living area that they even found the slightest sign of the former 'root of all evil' or was that 'route of all evil'?

He was curled up on himself, in the shower, his skin almost raw from scrubbing.

The brothers exchanged worried looks at quickly wrapped Azog in a towel and carried him to his bed, where they gently tucked him in. Once he was situated, Fili nodded towards the door, signally Kili to follow him.

"What the hell could have done that to him?" Kili asked worriedly.

"We're going to have to find out. You try talking to him—I'll check his browser history."

"His brow… Oh no… you don't think he found one of those do you?"

Fili nodded slowly. "It's the only thing I can think of. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Kili watched his brother a moment before going back to the bedroom and pulling a chair closer to the bed. This was not going to be easy.

"Azog… Az… can you hear me in there?" Kili called, trying to be as gentle as possible.

The only outward sign Azog made, was a slight catch in his breathing, but he was still lost to the world. Kili did his best to make the man…er orc… comfortable, but there was very little he could do. In frustration he looked around the room, anything to keep from seeing that blank, haunted look in the orc's eyes.

-:-

Sitting at Azog's computer, It only took Fili a moment to find the problem, but it took him much longer to be able to calm himself down enough be of any use. There was fictional mayhem, but this… this was far too much for any fictional character to deal with.

When he finally got his emotions under control he returned to Azog's room.

He hated to see the expression of hope leave Kili's face as their their eyes met, but Fili knew there was nothing to be done about that, his emotions were still raw over what he'd read.

"What?" Kili asked worriedly.

"Someone looked up what 'Defiler' means."

He watched as his brother took that in and gave Azog a worried glance. "I'm guessing not 'corruptor' or the 'desecrator' types of definition but.. *defiler*… defiler as in…?'

Fili answered with a single stiff nod. "Yeah… that's the one."

"Who ?" Kili asked.

Fili shook his head sadly and looked away.

"Who?"

"You… me… Everyone," Fili finally answered in a slow mono-tone. "13 dwarves, the hobbit… our horses… Gandalf… Radighast… his rabbits… "

Az groaned and tried to cover his ears, but it had been enough to snap him out his mortified trance. He looked at the two, tears in his eyes as he gasped: "And there've been no women in the story since Galadriel…"


	8. Chapter 8: Azog vs the Creative Writing

**AN - the next few tales follow a bit of a story arc... And are a bit more on the wry side of humor. I hope you enjoy:**

* * *

**Azog vs The Creative Writing Class**

"You're doing, WHAT!?" Fili asked in a combination of shock and surprise. Even after all the years he'd had to get used to his brother's impetuous nature, Kili still managed to come up with things that stunned even him.

"I've signed up for a creative writing class," his brother informed him, getting tired of repeating himself.

Fili shook his head as he rolled up his sleeping furs and placed them in the closet. After the last 'incident' with Azog, the brothers had taken to camping out in his living room, just to cut down on the chances of a repeat performance.

"What did Uncle Thorin say?"

"First he called me an ***_explicative deleted_*** idiot- but after I explained it to him… he said I was **_*explicative deleted*_** daft and when it backfired I was not to come **_*explicative deleted*_** crying to him about it."

Fili nodded. He knew it wasn't too bad, since there had been no threats of dishonor, and or disowning but he wasn't going to push his luck.

"Did you tell Az?"

At this Kili smiled. "When I told him about it, he signed up for it—something about continuing education credits…"

"Really?"

Kili shrugged. "He said, and I quote, 'it's time we up our game.'"

Fili took that in for a moment as he set the coffee maker up and looked at the clock. "So what's the problem?"

Kili looked towards Azog's bedroom where the Orc had all but hidden when they'd gotten home from class.

"The teacher said one way to ease into writing is to take existing characters from television, or movies or books… and write about them."

"So…" Fili prompted starting to get an idea of what was going on.

"It's our homework assignment…"

Fili waited. He was getting tired of his brother drawing this out. "What's the assignment?"

As the smell of coffee filled the warehouse apartment, Azog finally opened his door and flopped down on the couch.

"Did you tell him?" The orc asked bitterly.

Kili shook his head. "I'm getting to that."

"What," Fili began, raising his voice. One person beating around the bush was bad enough, but Azog took it to a whole new level. "IS. THE. ASSIGNMENT!?"

Kili looked sheepish. Azog looked distraught.

"Fanfiction," Azog answered in contempt.

"We have to write a multi chapter, piece of fanfiction," Kili added. "And get constructive criticism from at least three readers.

Despite himself, Fili laughed.


	9. Chapter 9: Azog Vs homework assignment

**AN: While this story is a stand alone, it is also a follow-up to chapter 8**

* * *

**Azog Vs. the homework assignment **

Azog looked at the blank screen; he looked at the clock; he reviewed the assignment again.

He had thought it would be easy, telling himself that if fangirls could churn this stuff out like yesterday's texts – he should have no problem. But he did have a problem.

He didn't want to write something that had been done before. He wanted to do something new- but how do you do something new in a work of fiction that was over 76 years old?

He wondered if Tolkien had ever felt that way—there's nothing new… Oh, I know… let's have a Hobbit… He sighed and shook his head—then wondered what Tolkien would have thought of what the fans had done in their stories—what had happened to his beloved characters between his writing, the fan writing and the movie adaptations. (not to mention the twists that had occurred outside his fictional creation.)

Would JRR have ever imagined Azog sitting here, writing a story using his characters and his world? It gave him a slightly heady feeling.

Smiling to himself he began again, hoping to get at least a rough draft before Kili finished work and came over to study. As hard as it was to admit, he'd grown to rather like the young dwarf and he cared about his opinion.

That in mind he began the story- the story of a young man out to prove himself against a sometimes magical, often uncaring world.

-:-

He sat stock still, fighting the urge to shift, the need to ask what Kili thought of his story. He hated writing in a vacuum, but he wasn't sure he was ready to hear a review from someone he knew would be brutally honest.

He had discovered the joys and terrors that were… Concrit.

He tensed as Kili sat down at the tablet and tried to gather his thoughts.

"Yes?"

"Well," Kili said, carefully picking his words. "It's well written. And I can tell you put some serious thought into the story.."

"But…" Azog asked dejectedly.

He watched as the young dwarf's shoulder's sagged and the comment was drawn out of him, even though it was obvious he hated saying it.

"You can't have you as the protagonist."

"Why not?"

Kili simply looked at him and shook his head.


	10. Chapter 10: Azog vs the video game

**AN: again, this could be a stand-alone story, or just a follow up to Chapters 8 and 9**

* * *

**Azog vs the video game**

Azog tried not to obsess but it was hard. He couldn't be as placid as Kili was about posting his fiction. While Azog paced, and hit refresh on his stats page, Kili had simply forgotten about the assignment completely

While Azog checked his email for review alerts, Kili launched Hobbit: Armies of the Third Age. Azog was going to say something but he had to check his stats one more time, finally someone had read the story.

He tried to settle down, but he found himself once again hitting refresh.

"Az," Kili called gently looking up from his game. "Relax. These things take time. Don't be disappointed if someone doesn't review right away. Tell you what… let's get you set up in this game, we can be on the same server…"

"I don't want to be a dwarf!" Azog said defensively then gave Kili an apologetic look.

Kili simply smiled. "It's okay. You can be an elf… they'll even let you play a goblin."

Azog was torn between wanting to try it and being offended. "No orcs?"

"No, no orcs… but… if you do play a dwarf, you get me as a guide."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Az, this thing is so much bigger than Legolas warned us about… we're like… everywhere."

Azog looked at him, a slight pang of jealousy threatening to overcome him. "You're everywhere," he corrected, emphasizing 'you'. "You, your brother… even Bombur and Bofur and they were never anything more than names in the book…"

Kili looked up at him, almost stricken. "Az… I'm sorry… I never really thought about it."

Azog nodded. Truth be told, having seen the down side of being popular with the fans he realized the boys should have some perks. He sighed.

"Kili, look—Yeah, I'd love to have all those things: action figures, calendars, games… but I'm really glad I don't have fans doing to me the things they've ….well… the things they've had me do to you and your brother."

Azog paused, lost in in own thoughts for a moment before shaking his head. "Man, those were bad enough to drive me… well… here."

Kili smiled as he saw Az finally relax.

"Come on—be a dwarf… it'll be fun and it will really mess with their heads!"

Azog paused then smiled. "Just… don't tell your uncle."


	11. Chapter 11: Azog vs the cest

**AN: Again, more ironic than out and out funny... but still**

* * *

**Azog vs the cest**

After building two farms, a guard tower and two mines, Azog had finished his tutorial and leveled. While he was nowhere near Kili's level of understanding in the game—it did feel good to be doing something other than depending on fans for validation.

He realized that was exactly what happened and he felt abashed.

"When," he asked Kili, "Did I become so co-dependent on these creatures?"

"I think it was somewhere between the horror at what they were doing, and having you do—and the realization that there were some things you could do about it."

"When I joined the real world?"

"Pretty much."

Azog looked around and realized what had been bothering him. "Where's your brother?"

"Fili?" Kili asked looking around.

"Yes, Fili… how many brothers do you have?"

"Just the one, and trust me—that's more than enough."

Something in his tone made Azog pause and study the young dwarf. "Is everything alright?"

Kili looked up and sighed. "Yeah… he just found out about Durincest and it's made him a bit squiffy."

"Durincest?" Azog asked then froze as he realized what Kili was talking about. "Oh."

Kili shrugged. "Yeah… 'Oh' Anyway… he decided that maybe if we spend some time apart… it'll be easier to deal with…"

"How's that working for him?"

Kili snorted. "It's not. If anything he's crankier, less hunky and his hotness ratings are down."

Azog chuckled, then grew serious "How's that working out for you?"

Kili's face fell slightly. "I'm playing me in a video game… Writing fan fiction for a teacher who doesn't know the first thing about sword play, commiserating with someone who, by all accounts, should have me chained to the wall while making me experience unspeakable horrors."

Azog paused. "You are reading fanfiction…"

Kili laughed and raised his cup. "I'll drink to that."


	12. Chapter 12: Azog vs teh Concrit

**AN - A little more with Azog.**

**This was going to go on hiatus after the class arc, but I have at least one more in mind... so... working on the next one (and posting my backlog)**

* * *

**Azog vs teh Concrit**

Kili smiled as he settled down into his sleeping furs. Fili was there, and Azog had finally gone to bed after both of them had explained to him that no, 50 hits, 7 follows, 19 favorites and no reviews wasn't uncommon.

"Do you think it's over?" Fili finally asked.

"What?"

"All the… writing… I mean… the movie came out three months ago and the next one isn't due for 10…"

Kili shook his head, his eyes twinkling in the darkness. "Ah, but you're forgetting about the initial DVD Release mid March… then there's the extended edition which will tide people over until part two…"

He immediately regretted his comment when his brother sagged back into his furs.

"It's got to get better," Kili tried. "I mean…"

"Don't you dare day 'it can't get any worse!" Fili chided. "You know what happens then…"

Kili smiled, his eyes twinkling. "You end up camping out in the evil orc's living room hoping for tacos?"

Fili looked at his brother for a moment then snorted. The snort quickly turned into a full laugh and for the first time since their nightmare had begun the two shared an honest laugh.

After a few moments silence, Fili looked at Kili and smiled. "How's the class going?"

"So far, not too bad," he admitted. "Although the entire idea of doing fanfiction as part of the writing class…"

"Do you…" Fili paused unsure how to ask the next question. "Did she tell you what type of story to write?"

"No, but she did suggest we read the trends in the fandom of our choice and see what people like—what kind of stories they react to."

"And?"

Kili smiled and rolled his eyes in mock innocence. "I cheated and used our trend—I already know what gets comments there."

"So you wrote…"

Kili smirked slightly, "I wrote a Kili gets captured hurt/comfort angst story…"

Fili stared at him in a combination of horror and amusement. "You do realize…" he began. "That that is what started this whole mess in the first place?"

Kili's eyes twinkled as he started to reply, but the spark vanished as Azog's anguished cries filled the small living area.

The two were on their feet, stumbling to get out of their sleeping bags when Azog charged into the room, looking very much like Azog the Defiler of old.

"Az?" Kili asked worriedly.

"I am going to find them and… how dare they… I'm… I'm…"

The brothers took a wary stance as Azog ranted incoherently. Fili found himself wishing he'd brought a sword just in case, but Azog had been so 'un-defiler' it wasn't even funny and now.

Kili stepped forward his hands out, quickly signally Fili to drop back, just in case.

"Az… what's wrong… talk to me…"

Azog looked down at Kili, his eyes wild for a moment before remembering where he was. He stood for a moment, breathing heavily until he had finally reigned in his temper. Slowly he once again became aware of his surroundings and gave the brothers a sheepish look.

"Sorry…" he muttered as he headed towards the kitchenette and put some water on for tea.

They waited until he'd made his tea and sat down at the table before joining him.

"You want to talk about it?"

Azog shook his head then laughed bitterly. "They told me… my characterization of Azog was pathetic—that I wouldn't know a vicious orc if it rained death down upon me. And that my characterizations of you two were far too adult and mature… you are after all only 18 and 23."

"I'm 47," Kili objected.

"Yes, but you've just reached the dwarven age of maturity… so you're 18"

"No… I'm 47," Kili assured him.

Azog looked at him and sighed. "I know. But according to the helpful advice I got in my concrit… I'm a complete dolt and can't write any of us in character and should read more fan fiction to get a better feel for the characters."

Fili fought the urge to smile, which only made him look smug.

"What?" Azog asked.

Fili laughed outright. "Haven't you learned anything by now?"

Azog tilted his head, trying to see what Fili was getting at, but it was Kili who finally clued him in.

"Reality," Kili reminded him. "Has nothing to do with fanfiction."


	13. Chapter 13: Fangirl Intervention Squad

**AN **And so... Inspiration struck again. It's weird being on Chapter 13 when you'd only planned on one. Thanks to those of you who've reviewed the story- you make me want to write more.

I hope you enjoy our latest installment. (and the standard disclaimer is still in effect)

* * *

**The Fangirl Intervention Squad**

Azog knew it had probably been a very bad day when he woke up and found he couldn't move. He opened his eyes and blinked and suddenly everything snapped into focus.

He was not in his bedroom, just sleeping off another round of poker and The Hobbit Drinking Game™, no… he was chained to a wall in the warehouse. As he tried to figure out what had happened he noticed that his vision tended to blur and he was having trouble keeping a thought for longer than a minute.

No, it had not been a good day, and from the looks of things, it was not going to be a very good night either. He squinted, trying to focus, but everything was swimming around him.

"This cannot be good," he groaned to himself as he started to lift his head.

He could hear something shift in front of him and when he looked up, he almost laughed at just how ludicrous things had gotten, almost, mind you, for Kili sat across from him, a nearly panic stricken expression on his face.

The dwarf had been bound to a lounge chair with what looked like silk scarves and at least one pair of fur lined handcuffs.

Despite himself, Azog snorted.

Kili's eyes widened and he gave a worried look towards the break room then looked back at Azog. "Quiet," he hissed. "If they know you're awake…"

"What?" Azog asked, still trying to put everything together. "Who?"

Kili shook his head. It was looking like a really bad 'Azog captures Kili story only Azog was the one who'd been captured.

"What do you remember?" Kili's voice pulled him back to the present, but things were still fuzzy.

Azog squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, trying to get the three Kilis to synch up so he'd see only one. "We were going to see the midnight showing of Jack the Giant Slayer…"

Kili nodded encouragingly. "And then…"

There was a sound behind them and as Kili turned, Azog looked up and groaned. Three girls stood watching him.

"Fangirls…"

Before they could say more the leader of the trio squatted down next to Azog, "What did you do to him!?" she demanded, pointing towards Kili.

Azog pulled back slightly and stared at her in disbelief. This could not be happening. This was totally insane— it was the Fanfiction nightmare they'd been avoiding…and it was all too real.

After a moment's hesitation, he hissed something at her in orcish, straining against the chains to keep her and the others distracted enough that they wouldn't notice the subtitles, or the fact that they were now in Dwarven Runes.

~They think I've bewitched you. This means as long as they think you're under my spell, I'm safe. If they think you're free… I'm a goner… whatever their game is… please… please play along our only hope is to wait them out until Fili gets here.~

When Kili responded, it was more than Azog could hope for.

Kili strained at his bonds trying to get the girls to stop. "Leave Fili alone!" he demanded, hoping he'd picked the right plea.

Azog gave a slight smile, but then he saw what the situation was doing to Kili. Kili, always quick with a joke, always friendly and open: he knew what would come next—he'd read the stories. At least it was not his brother protecting him—it was Azog. Azog who, in all the stories, did the torturing not suffered it, had warned him about these horrors and now the very thing he'd warned the line of Durin about was coming to pass and there was nothing he could do about it other than play his part.

Azog tilted his head, fighting the urge to smile. "Don't hurt my brother," he said pleading for Kili. "I'll do whatever you want… just don't hurt Kili."

It became harder to suppress the smile when Kili, sitting behind the girls, rolled his eyes at Azog's performance.

The lead girl's eyes narrowed as she studied Azog and Kili. "Release Kili from whatever spell you have on him," she growled, contemplating the possibility that Azog was actually a bespelled Fili.

Azog looked at them and shook his head. These three were thicker than Bofer, and not nearly as cheerful.

As they gathered around he took advantage of the attention, once again speaking orcish.

~This will not be pleasant to watch—but remember… remember everything you know about orcs… ~

Kili's eyes narrowed at his words, and Azog surrendered. Kili was being almost as dense as Bofer. Suddenly Kili was once again straining against his bonds.

Looking up Azog's eyes widened as the girl pulled something out. He had just started to relax as he realized it was a pen, when Kili's struggles doubled.

"No.. .don't… anything but that…"

Before he could say more, the lead fangirl began writing in a spiral bound notebook. Suddenly Azog felt an odd… almost painful pull in his head and suddenly he had long flowing hair.

Azog's gaze shifted fearfully between the three girls as they smiled at their handiwork. He turned craning his head to see but he could only see it out of the corner of his eyes.

When he looked to Kili for help, the dwarf bowed his head.

Azog did his best to flip the hair forward and then he saw them… the little pink bows that tied off several braids. They hadn't even had the decency to give him manly braids, or even elf braids… no, these were classic, Jim Carey 'Vira de Milo' braids.

For the first time, in a very long time, Azog felt fear for himself. "What are you doing?"

The lead fangirl smiled, handing her pen to the next girl. The next girl tapped her lip with the pen and smiled. "I don't know girls… he still looks too… dangerous…"

She paused, then let out an evil laugh as she touched the pen to paper. Suddenly Azog felt something… no …two somethings pushing his shirt away from him… and yet… he could still feel… his…

He let out an anguished cry as he realized he was being Femmed, and not in a nice way.

Satisfied the second girl handed the pen to the third, who smiled evilly at Azog, knowing her words could spell his doom. "Now… tell us what we want to know… and you won't end up pregnant and in high school."

There was a pause, as if he had to think about it, and then an anguished cry.

"You can dish it out," one of the girls said with a sneer, emboldened by his reaction.

Azog glowered at the girl in contempt. You'd think she had something less cliché to say.

He looked down at the pen, as if inspecting the work. They hadn't seriously damaged anything… not yet at any rate. He watched in horror as the pen moved to the paper and Kili screamed.

Suddenly he felt fur covering his body and Azog, the defiler, Azog the Taco Vendor From Hell, and part time barman to the Durins screamed in abject terror. He was now … a furry.

Then the girl punctuated the sentence. He tensed and shook his head when he saw Kili starting to strain against his silk scarves.

He could feel the changes the pen had created, but at his heart he remained Azog. They hadn't managed to take that from him at least. Under the hair… and the ... everything else… he was still Azog.

The first took up the pen again and Azog felt his muscles melt and reform, his fine physique shifting until … he was now an elf. He shuddered, grateful that at least the fur had faded away, and suddenly he felt the change inside—Azog was fading away and someone else was taking his place.

'Oh, great,' Azog thought. 'Cliché number 27.'

He was losing the battle, being taken over by… whoever the fangirls had written into this little scene.

Kili stilled his thrashing as he stared in fascinated horror over the final change.

The fangirl leader reached over and grabbed the bottom of Azog's face and pulled up. Suddenly Azog's face peeled off like it had been a mask… and beneath it…

"Legolas?" Kili asked in disbelief.

Azog-Legolas smiled, but there was resignation in his eyes as he spoke the most overused line in the trade, "And I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those darn kids."

There was a flurry of noise that swallowed Azog in a grey cloud, and his last thoughts were. 'I hope Kili can find my secret recipe for Pico de Gallo… Fili really likes it…'

Only it didn't end…

He was aware of what the Fangirl version of Azog was doing, and how the girls now crowded around him coo-ing.

In his lounge chair Kili whimpered, but there was nothing Azog could do—he was no longer in control. He was thankful when he heard the all too familiar cry of Gandalf, and a sudden flash of light filled the warehouse.

As the flash cleared he saw Ori, Dori and Nori, holding one of the girls while Bifur and Bofer held the second and Dwalin held the third. He gave a slight smile when he saw Fili untying his brother, and was shocked when he saw Gandalf step forward, Glamdring in one hand, his staff in the other.

"If you don't mind," he said woozily. He smiled a goofy smile and knew no more until he woke up in his own bed. He chuckled. "I really need to lay off those late night burritos…" he sighed to himself, then coughed.

"Take it easy Az…" he heard Fili urge.

Kili sat forward so Azog could see him, though he was still obviously shaken from their experience. "Some of the effects are still wearing off."

Azog's hand went to his face and stopped when he felt soft golden… elfin hair. His shoulders sagged and he moaned piteously. "What have they done to me?"

"I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid," Fili said softly.

"You've been…" Kili started, trying to pick up after his brother, but simply could finish.

Azog opened his eyes and saw the white bandages on his chest and gasped, "I've been… Crackfic-ed?"


	14. Chapter 14: Azog vs Kili with mad libs

**AN -** I have to admit... I have a few things in the works, but they weren't quite right... So I suddenly thought... Kili... Mad libs... and tried it.

Here are the results:

* * *

**Kili plays with Mad libs.**

The Original #1 Mad Libs

**Description of the Lovely Group That I Am In.**  
By: Roger Price & Leonard Stern

We are having a perfectly **Evil** time this evening in the **Defiler** home of **Azog**. The rooms are decorated **Ugly** with many stylish **Wargs** that must have cost at least **37** dollars. The guests are all **Clever** conversationalists and are all **quietly**dressed. **Kili** has been entertaining us by telling us about the time he/she showed his/her **shiny** **Arrow** to **Fili**, who mistook it for an early American **Whip**. The refreshments are **Painful**, and the idea of serving hot and **evil** hors d'oeuvres showed imagination. Visiting here is always a/an **Nasty** experience!


	15. Chapter 15: Azog strikes back

**AN**: I hope you enjoy the latest adventure- it was bound to happen... he's gone off the deep end he has.

Standard disclaimer applies.

* * *

**Azog strikes back (aka Azog – the editor**)

Azog was furious. He was beyond rage he was… AZOG the DEFILER once more and he was on a mission. Fili and Kili had done what they could to stop him, but when they saw the glint they knew their only hope was to flee and return with help. If 'the defiler' was back in his life—none of them would be safe.

Thorin, Kili and Fili had taken up a pacing pattern in the corridor outside Azog's warehouse apartment, once again weaving incredible patterns that only a dwarf could trace. If Fili had been thinking, it would have reminded him of his first meeting with Azog.

They weren't sure who would open the door. Would it be Azog the taco vendor or AZOG THE DEFILER? Inside they could hear typing, which boded well—AZOG the DEFILER didn't type… did he? No, he was all about the killing and the maiming… Azog the Taco Vendor typed, and KliandFiliCannotDie73 had developed quite a following.

They held their breath and waited as they heard the orc approach the door. Finally he opened it, and let them in, an almost defeated sag to his shoulders.

"Az?" Kili asked, using the shortened form of his name, hoping it would help the Taco Vendor emerge from within the former defiler and remind him that that life was, indeed, behind him.

"Yeah," the Orc said flopping down on the couch. Sorry… I just… Someone emailed me a collection of … of… stories to beta… "

"How bad?"

Azog shuddered. "The edits are on the table…."

When the orc didn't move, obviously spent from his efforts they approached the table warrily.

"Uhm… Az…" Fili called. "What's with all the bleeps?"

Azog shrugged. "They wanted me to edit for them… It was the only way to make it… bearable."

The trio read the edited stories… unsure what to make of them- Thorin blanched, Fili chuckled and Kili out and out laughed.

"I'm never going to look at fanfiction the same way again," Kili said patting Az on the shoulder. "Let's go get a brew and let the others clean up."

Azog allowed the youngest of the Duin line to lead him away, pausing only to look at Thorin , who nodded. From the looks of things they both needed it.

"What are we going to do about these fangirls?" Thorin asked once the two were out of earshot.

Fili smiled, looking back down at the edited fiction "I don't know, but I think I like Azog take on the whole thing."

* * *

The **bleep**ing of Kili - by **namewithheld.**

Kili **bleep**ed out in **bleep**ing **bleep** as the guards unceremoniously **bleep**ed Fili back into their cell and **bleeped** him.

Kili tried to **bleep** but they quickly **bleep**ed him into **bleep** as well.

They had been **bleep**ed for what felt like hours, and Kili was beginning to **bleep**. Fili finally lifted his **bleep** and **bleep**ed.

"Fili? Brother?" Kili **bleep**ed, **bleep**ing that this wasn't the **bleep**.

Fili **bleep**ed at his brother, giving him what he **bleep**ed was a **bleep** answer.

As the guards returned, Fili forced himself to **bleep** putting himself between the **bleep**s and his brother, but they simply **bleep**ed past him and **bleep**ed the younger dwarf with their long **bleep**s, and then **bleep**ed him out of the **bleep**.

**bleep**ng him by the **bleep** they **bleep**ed him away to the chamber where Azog waited.

"What did you do to my brother," Kili **bleep**ed angrily.

Azog **bleep**ed, taking down a **bleep** from the wall and **bleep**ed his men to **bleep** Kili to the **bleep**. Kili fought but they **bleep**ed him until he **bleep**ed and they **bleep**ed him to the **bleep** any way. With Kili at his **bleep**, Azog proceeded to **bleep** the poor defenseless dwarf until he was **bleep**ed from **bleep**ing.

On his unspoken comment, the guards returned and **bleep**ed him. Once they were finished they **bleep**ed his **bleep**s and **bleep**ed him back to his brother who had been **bleep**ing in the cell, trying to **bleep** out the **bleep**s **bleep**ing from the other room.**  
**

...

* * *

**AN :** This little bit brought to you by a discussion on perspective where if you bleep out key words, people will fill in the blanks (and prove just how dirty minded we are)

For example: Kili laughed at his brother, his hand going to his side.

Innocent enough...

Now try: Kili **bleep**ed at his brother, his hand going to his **bleep**.

Lewd? Violent? Only the reader knows for sure... or do they?

G'night!


	16. A musical Interlude - By the Dwarves

**AN:** A light interlude... didn't really have a place to put it, so I put it here...

Standard disclaimer is still in play...

* * *

**Azog vs... the musical interlude **

(to the tune of Misty Mountains Cold)

Hung over, from misty mountain fights

Too drunk to stand, too drunk to fall  
We must sleep off, this drunken shame  
For we were playing, the hobbit drinking game.

First Kili faltered, and drank until it hurt  
and when he cried out, we were forced to drink  
Then Fili vowed that, his brother he would protect...  
We were all sotted 'fore the song done.

Now Thorin toasted, and the elder dwarves joined in  
But of his nephews drinking, he had forbade  
But Kili wheeled, his puppy eyes on stun  
Causing all companions, by drink undone...

Hung over... from frosty mountain drinks  
And Kili's singing... like wargs falling from the heights  
we must away, the bill we can't pay  
We didn't think that, dwarves could drink so much...


	17. Chapter 16: Fangirl from another fandom

**AN**: and just when I think I can't think of anything new...

* * *

**Azog vs the fangirl from another fandom**

It was a busy day out in front of the conference center. Azog knew he was chancing it, working this close to a Science Fiction convention, but the money was good, and nobody looked at him twice. If anything they thought he'd just gotten caught up in the spirit of the convention.

Everything was fine, almost too fine—for suddenly he found himself face to face with a girl, wearing a Fili and Kili forever t-shirt ("At your service"). She was wearing a Gray wizard's hat and what looked like "Peace Bonded" arrows in her quiver.

He shuddered when she stared at him appraisingly.

"Uh… would you like one our taco specials?" he asked.

She studied him, tilting her head… her eyes narrowed. "Do you, by chance… have any Pico de Gallo?"

Azog straightened up slightly, worried if someone had leaked Fili's preference. "Yes… although we're running a special on the green salsa today…"

She looked up at him, the line getting longer behind her… too many people… too many fangirls, with way too many ears too close together.

He was starting to sweat, a slight sheen coating his skin where it was visible.

He started to relax when she placed her order, when she finally blurted out, "you remind me of someone…"

"I'm just… a taco vendor," he said lamely as he started to get her order boxed up. He quickly took her money and handed her the boxed lunch, but as he did, he saw the look of recognition in her eyes and winced.

"You look like… you're… that guy from… From Sparticus… uhm… Crixus! You are so TOTALLY Crixus! Wait until the girls find out… "

And so…Azog, the Defiler, Azog the Taco Vendor from hell… Azog, friend to Kili and Fili found his way into the world of cross over fiction—and discovered that it was much better to be 'The Defiler' than the defiled.

* * *

**Footnote**: For those of you who don't know... Azog is played by Manu Bennett, the actor who plays Crixus in Sparticus: War of the Damned


	18. Chapter 17: Azog vs Cosplay

**AN** - and what's a convention without a little Cosplay?

* * *

**Azog vs. the Cosplay**

It was the second day of the convention, and the evening business had been brisk to say the least. Azog had managed to keep the fangirls at bay… pointing out that, well… admittedly he did have the same musculature as this Crixus guy… he was far too pale and well… bald… to be whoever it was they were talking about.

But, as people lined up for the masquerade competition and cosplay shoots, his line became longer and longer, not from people wanting tacos, no… that would have made too much sense.

No… people wanted him in their photo shoots, and each time they came up to him he tensed, expecting the worst… but each time they wanted him as Crixus. One group went as far as offering him spray tan and oiling… which sounded like fun when it was the women offering…

As he turned to politely refuse the next group of fans, he froze. Fili and Kili were standing in front of him, bold as brass. His eyes widened in fear as Killi elbowed his brother, and Fili merely smirked. There were times he hated those two with their inside jokes.

"What are you thinking!?" he hissed.

Kili smiled, his eyes twinkling. "You have to admit…" he started.

"It's the perfect cover. People think were just really, really good at costuming…" Fili finished.

Azog groaned shaking his head. "Fine… it's your funeral. What would you like?"

Azog pointed to the menu, waiting for their orders, he began calculating just how much Pico de Gallo was left, and how much of that would remain after Fili left.

"Oh," Kili said shaking his head. "We didn't want to order anything…"

Fili nodded in agreement. "We just wanted to see if you'd sit in with us in our cosplay photoshoot…"

Azog groaned and shook his head, then pointed to a group of fan girls off to the side. "If, and I do mean IF I do cosplay… it's going to be with those cute fangirls over there who want to apply spray tan and oil me… no offense guys…"


	19. Chapter 18: Azog vs the Crackfic

**AN:** A request from a friend... (Standard disclaimers - Rights belong to JRR Tolkien's estate, Warner Brothers, New Line, Wing Nut etc. I just borrowed them, twisted them and let them loose in the real world)

* * *

**Azog vs the Crackfic**

It had been a long day of evading the enemy. There had been many close calls and more than once Kili had almost been overrun, but somehow Kili and Fili had managed to lose their pursuers (Fangirls) and make it to Azog's warehouse in one piece (or two pieces if you consider both of them being whole individuals).

At first they were so relieved to have made it safely there that they didn't notice anything amiss, but then, they heard the laughter; bellowing, gut-splitting laughter. It was a sound they had never heard, especially not around the reformed evil orc.

Kili slipped into the apartment area (having been given a key since they were still camping out in Azog's living room) and took off his cloak.

"Az," he called: a perplexed expression on his face.

"Kili!" Azog called in a particularly good mood. "Fili! Come in, come in…"

He was still laughing as he handed them each a bottle of beer, "You have got to read this!"

The brothers stared at each other. How could something that had so terrorized them, brutalized their uncle, driven fear into the heart of the personification of evil himself… make him so… giddy?"

Fili caught on first, and wasn't sure if he was relieved or even more worried.

"You've been into the crakfic again haven't you?"

Azog laughed.

Kili tilted his head. "Like the one Ori was in?"

Azog laughed even harder, "no…this is like… Ori's crackfic on crack, chased down by some bad mushrooms and a whole barrel Pipeweed…"

The brothers took up their bottles and sat down.

"Get this," Azog began. "I'm a Roman Gladiator. You," he added looking at Kili, "Are a nurse/vampire, Bilbo is an ex-military Doctor/medic, who's actually working with the necromancer as a police consultant… Gandalf is a power mad mutant… Fili, you're a Norse God hiding out in the suburbs, Legolas is a Pirate Prince… okay, that's not so big a change, but at least he has facial hair in the story… uhm… Radagast is a time traveler who travels into different dimensions in space and time, and does a lot of running… Galadriel is a crime scene investigator, Elrond is a computerized 'agent'… and your uncle is a secret agent… badass, okay… again, not a big stretch… "

Azog chuckled to himself. "And then… it only gets weirder... It seems we're all investigating a jewelry heist of something called the archenprecious… which was stolen… well, actually it was… Taken, then lost, then found again, only to be taken; stolen; dropped; almost taken, almost stolen, almost taken again…and then finally stolen."

"With the number of police investigators and crime scene types involved… you'd guess it's a police procedural… but you'd be wrong… no, it's like… It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world, meets Sons of Guns, with a dash of Pirates of Penzance, only they only sing about vegetables, topped off with a sitcom about the dangers of red meat…"

The brothers looked at each other and shook their heads… at least… no one really got hurt in crackfic… except maybe the readers…

* * *

Extra credit if you can name all the shows/movies etc. referred to.


	20. Chapter 19: Azog vs the Plot Generator

**A/N**: During the season of ST:NG I dubbed: Writers in need of re-hab, I came up with a plot generator as described below... It giving an example of using it I came up with "Troy is kidnapped by Romulans"... the scenes for the next episode... Troy was kidnapped by Romulans. I gave up after that...

But here... it gets a refresh.

Standard Disclaimer is still in play:

* * *

**Azog vs the plot generator.**

Azog was beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable with the writing class he and and Kili were taking. Firstly, it seemed that the teacher didn't have a clue about literature, and only marginally understood the concept of plot. No, she was a self proclaimed poet, who was simply regurgitating someone else's lessons.

The biggest problem was the sheer amount of pleasure Kili was getting from the class, mostly at his expense. Their latest assignment: create a plot generator.

It really was simply enough… you had a column for your protagonist, another for the situation, a column for Antagonist and a column for the outcome, to use it, you simply picked one item from each column. It was way too close to the madlibs Kili was enjoying using, admittedly, he'd gotten pretty good at 'gaming' the results and usually got an amusing story every 10 tries or so.

Anway, since the 'poet',( how do one manage to rhyme garland with upend?), didn't want them working on characterization just yet, they were once again working in the realm of fanfiction.

He thought long and hard about his lists, focusing on what he knew would make a good story, rather than the ones he had tried to rescue the 'boys' from… and so his lists provided a large number of possibilities.

For Protagonists – he had the 13 dwarves, the hobbit and Gandalf, for good measure he added Legolas, Thranduil, Beorn, Bard and Elrond, he pitted them again a list he was proud of. It included natural occurrences such as a flash floods, dangerous crossings, avalanches (He didn't think stone giants was a good idea); an orc patrol, sickness, food poisoning (especially if Gloin was cooking), a cold (for fluff/comfort) and even a silly 'eats poisoned mushrooms' story. It was something he could work with and be proud of.

After all that thought, all that work – he'd gotten a C-, for not taking the audience's preferences into consideration.

"Don't feel bad, Az," Kili told him as he handed his project over to his brother. "It was a tough assignment."

Azog bowed his head and sighed. "How'd you do?" he asked knowing that somehow Kili had managed to charm the teacher out of another high mark.

His answer came in the form of Fili laughing. He was sitting on the couch, Kili sitting on the arm of the couch watching him read what could only be his list. As he came over, Fili tried to school his features, and failed.

"You," he said, handing Azog Kili's list. "Have to read this."

As he reached for it Kili tried to intercept the list, but Fili, used to dealing with his brother, kept it out of his grasp and delivered it to Azog with a smile. "I fear there is no help for my brother."

Azog began reading, shaking his head as he did. The lad was hopeless.

For protagonists, he had mostly combinations of Kili, Fili and Thorin with occasional groupings of Kili and just about every other character available. This was followed with situations that involved 47 variations of 'is hurt' and three variations of 'braids his hair'

The antagonist list was surprisingly, or not… very short: Azog, Bolg, The Necromancer, Smaug and The Goblin King (with all possible combinations of the above)

He sighed and was about to hand the list back when he saw Fili's penciled in addition to each situation, part of him wanted to laugh, part of him wanted to sob, for he knew that Kili's generator, with Fili's addition would do well while his had barely passed. How can something like "Ori is separated from the group by a flash flood and must survive against nature" stack up against things like:

Kili falls out of a tree and is captured by Azog or

Fili and Kili get dragged by a runaway horse and are captured by Azog or

Thorin, Fili and Kili are wounded by orcs and are captured by Azog or…

Fili is hurt in a freak accident … and is captured by Azog

Kili falls off his horse… and is captured by Azog

Kili of course, got an A+ on his assignment. There was no justice in the world

* * *

Answers to last chapters 'Crackfic' :

Azog: Spartacus- Blood and Sand

Kili: Being Human (original BBC version)

Bilbo and the necromancer: Sherlock

Gandalf: the X-Men Franchise

Fili: Almighty Johnsons

Legolas: PotC

Radagast: Doctor Who

Galadriel: (trick uncredited cameo) Hot Fuzz (She was Janine (Only seen in a bunny suit))

Elrond: Matrix

Thorin: MI-5 and or Strike Back


	21. Chapter 20: Azog vs the disturbing trend

**AN** - Again, not as funny as some... more sardonic than cracky... but I guess humor is where you find it (and hopefully you'll find it here)

* * *

**Azog vs a Disturbing Trend**

Azog paced the confines of his apartment, trying to figure out how to tell Fili what he had found. If he had been concerned before by the fictional trends, the orc was now distraught. The current fiction that had caused him so much torment was a 127 chapter piece entitled "Kili's unforeseen ordeal." (still in progress)

He had to admit that the writing itself was sound and the author had potential, his creative writing class had taught him that much, but (and it was a very big 'but') their choice of story line was, by far, the most disturbing he had seen to date.

It started simply enough with the dratted quest to take back Erabor (how could Gandalf think that was a secret he'd never know), but the first unforeseen ordeal Kili faced was in the form of Bilbo. (who could dream of doilies being used in such a… debauched way?)

Then, the entire company of dwaves, (minus Fili and Thorin) had decided to punish Kili for 'losing the horses' and the rest of them almost being eaten by trolls.

Then came the wargs, Radagast and the elves in quick succession, and that was just the first five chapters. Things had gotten worse since then—and now he was on his 15th chapter with Azog in full defiler mode.

He simply couldn't take it anymore. And then he'd made the worst discovery to date. No, Fili had to do something about this—he couldn't do it alone.

He waited until the lads had settled down for the night, and he again borrowed Kili's netbook to work on his homework assignment (He'd been using Kili's netbook since his uncle was still in the process of replacing the one he'd destroyed)

His first attempt to get Fili alone was a complete failure since the brothers seemed closer than ever. And so instead of giving dire warnings to the elder nephew of Thorin Oakenshield —they ended up making 'hot and evil hors 'd'vours' for a party he was catering.

The second attempt resulted in chocolate sundaes set up for the poker game, and the third a very special batch of pico de gallo.

"Az," Kili warned. "I know the current assignment isn't really your thing, but if you keep procrastinating like this, you're going to fail the class."

"Don't remind me," Azog sighed. (Writing deep emotional breakdowns between long lost siblings who haven't seen each other after a major family falling out many years ago was so not his thing, and editing it to give it more… 'emotional 'uhmf'' as definitely not his style), but this took precedence. If only he could get Kili to run an errand, or get involved in his video game, but alas—Azog needed the lad's computer for his assignment.

Then he smiled. "Kili... you might like to know that Return of the King is on TNT… I need to talk to your brother and get some insight into … the dynamics of being an older brother," he paused looking up at the elder Durin. "That is… if Fili doesn't mind?"

When the brother's exchanged looks at Fili gave one of his arched eyebrows 'smug' looks Azog knew they'd seen through his 'clever ploy' to get Fili alone, but at least he was getting what he needed.

To his relief Kili parked himself in front of the tv and Fili gestured towards Azog's office.

"Az," Fili said as he plunked into one of the chairs. "What has you up in a tizzy, and don't tell me it's the class assignment."

"Well… it … sort of is… "

"Out with it."

"Well… You know I'm using your brother's computer, right?"

Fili nodded. "And well… I wanted to check and see if I could find a good example in fanfiction, I mean—deep emotional stuff is some of the fiction they do best and I thought I could get some pointers."

"That was your first mistake."

"Tell me about it," Azog sighed. "Any way… I found this story… it's got the biggest following I've ever seen and it has everything, smut, hurt/comfort/angst… the whole gambit but… it was…"

"Az, you've got to stop doing this to yourself. It's not real. It's people 'borrowing us' and having everything they want to see happen, happen, and in most cases, they want to see the aftermath- the comfort part. So things have to happen in order for the comfort to begin…"

"127 chapters of 'things' happening to Kili?"

"Even 127 chapters of 'things' happening to Kili," Fili assured him. "You can't take this stuff seriously."

"Uhm… well… in this case… " Azog began hesitantly.

"What?" Fili asked in frustration. "Out with it already..."

"Chapter 128 is in your brother's 'Works In progress' folder.


	22. Chapter 21: Kili vs the intervention

A/N : again, the humor is a little more wry and a tad dark here - this chapter continues the saga of "Kili's unforeseen ordeal."

* * *

**Kili vs the intervention**

Kili was surprised when, for the first time since the game had started, everyone showed up for poker night, not just his kin and Dwalin and Ori, but all the dwarves, Gandalf, the hobbit, Elrond, Bolg and, much to his surprise, Legolas.

He was surprised when, instead of dealing, Fili stood up and looked directly at him.

"Kili… I know your writing started out was a release—a way to make a point, and more likely than not: the path to a good grade."

The young dwarf looked around, noticing the solemn expressions on the faces of all gathered and did a double take.

"But— You're slipping into a very unhealthy relationship with the fangirls. You're becoming dependent on them and their comments for your validation as a person," his brother continued.

Kili frowned at this. Fili more than any knew it was a lark, nothing more.

"Look what these things have done to your uncle, laddie," Oin added nodding towards Thorin. "He sought solace in the bottle, while you… you've sought comfort in the enemy's camp."

"We're not trying to be mean," Ori added kindly.

"But we do worry about you and what you're doing is unhealthy, and it's tearing us up to see this happening to you." Thorin stated.

"Odulen an edraith anlen," Elrond said reverently. "*Gellon ned i galar i chent lîn ned i gladhol"

"Look," Legolas added, frowning at Elrond who suddenly seemed to have forgotten how to speak common. "I've been where you are. Fandom is like a drug. At first you don't like it, you don't want it, but then you find yourself… believing the hype."

Kili stomped his foot: enough was enough. "Look!" he yelled. "I do not have a problem with fandom. I know the fiction isn't real. Why can't you all accept that?"

Legolas gave him a bemused look. "Really. Are you, or are you not addicted the reviews and favorites notification you get for your stories? Do you or do you not save them in a special folder in your incoming box?"

Kile glared at Azog, a look of utter betrayal in his eyes. "Just… the good ones…" he admitted.

Legolas nodded. "You need to take a step back from all of this. That includes fan fiction."

Fili put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "And I'll be there for you."

Kili stared at the floor, muttering. "But… what about… chapter 130?"

Azog groaned, while Legolas merely shook his head.

"Baby steps," Fili assured him. "Baby steps."


	23. Chapter 22: Azog vs Kili?

**AN**: The saga of Kili's addiction to reviews and favoriting and the intervention continues in:

* * *

**Azog vs… Kili?**

While the intervention seemed to be going as well as could be expected, Azog couldn't help but feel his ears burn every time Kili tried to bore through him with a look that could only be described as 'laser beams of death.'

He had, after all, been the one who had blown the whistle on his masterpiece, but he realized, after the third chapter of him making things 'happen' to Kili, that it had shaken him far more than any of the other fiction he had read—because it had come from Kili himself.

Did the lad still harbor these fears, or worse desires towards him or was it just a way of getting attention outside his family?

He wanted to ask, but he was afraid of the answer. Did Kili see him as the monster everyone made him out to be? He let his breath out slowly and decided it was safer to hide behind the hors d'oeuvres, play the part of the host and pretend, for Kili's sake, that it only disturbed him as much as the original fiction had, but that was a lie.

He had forsaken his heritage. He had become a taco vendor, albeit a vendor of 'evil tacos' but what did that mean anyway?

While he arranged the 'hot and evil' hors d'oeuvres, Elrond came up to him and sampled one.

"Mae g'ovannen!," Elrond said with a formal salute. "Agorel vae."

Azog listened to him for a moment, hating the way everything seemed to slow down as the Elf Lord spoke. He frowned as Elrond continued to speak Evlish and, much to his chagrin, no subtitles had shown up. After another attempt, Azog lowered his head while keeping his eyes on Elrond, then stared expectantly where the subtitles should have been.

Elrond paused for a moment, his eyes trailing to the space where Azog was staring and suddenly gave a small smile.

After a moment the translations appeared once more.

'Mr. Anderson. I see you are as predictable in this world as you are in the other.'

Eldrond and Azog stared at the words for a moment shaking their heads. That wasn't right. They continued to stare, until Azog kicked the words in frustration and they finally reformed and Elrond finally nodded in approval.

'Thank you my friend, you did well."

Azog turned, watching Kili for a moment. "I hope, some day he thinks so."

"Trust me, Mr. Ander…zog…He may not now… but I had to do the same for each of my sons, and my daughter. Arawen began writing when she grew weary of being either nothing more than a prop in fiction or worse—the subject of some rather unseemly… action. although, she did enjoy getting to steal Glorfindel'a part of taking Frodo to Rivendell…. And I hate to tell you what Elrohir and Elladon went through… and Aragorn?" He shook his head and let his breath out.

"It's bad enough when the adults get thrown into this—but the younglings..." Elrond continued with a sigh.

"Sometimes," Azog answered. "I think my son had the right idea—go someplace obscure and get out of the business entirely but—it's hard."

Elrond nodded. "In time, Kili will forgive you…"

Azog sighed. "Dwarves are long lived for their kind—and there are some things they never forget…or forgive."

"Trust me, after a thousand year sulk from a set of twins… you learn that nothing lasts forever."

"Even that?" Azog asked nodding towards Kili who was again giving him a 'death stare'.

Elrond sighed. "Aragorn used to give me that look when I repeatedly told him that, while he had been crowned high king and had a higher hit counter than anybody in the fellowship, other than Legolas—the story was ultimately about Frodo, and friendship and that one small person can change the world."

"How can you remain so calm after all of this—I mean… " How did he nicely point out that while, yes, Azog had at least 15 consecutive chapters with Kili, Elrond had played a pivotal role in at least one chapter all by himself.

"You learn to accept that he has a problem, and it is not our fault."

Azog nodded, hoping that Elrond was right. He had just brought the fiction to light.

-:-

Kili was still glaring at Azog when Legolas stepped up to him.

"You can't blame his for this," the Elf told the Dwarf in a placid tone. "He was merely concerned."

Kili turned and shook his head angrily. He told everyone about "Kili's unforeseen ordeal," and judging by the response—everyone had read it. That had been bad enough, but then… he'd compounded the breach of his trust.

"Talk to me," Legolas urged.

"What do you know?" Kili asked defiantly.

Legolas's bemused smile set Kili 's nerves on edge, until the Elf spoke. "Kili, I have been at this a lot longer than you have—there is nothing you have seen, or done that I haven't done myself."

"Oh really? Somehow I doubt you wrote a 130 plus chapter fan fiction where you were… well… every cliché, every twisted…"

"It was one hundred and sixty two chapters, I did get some time off in between 'action' and it was Haldir who found it and intervened."

Kili's eyes narrowed. "Really?"

Legolas nodded.

"But… he outed me," Kili growled nodding at Azog.

"Do you not think he was concerned? It's bad enough when fangirls have him doing vile and twisted things to you, it's because they want you hurt so they can see the comfort—but when you write these things—Don't you think that that confused him? Made him feel betrayed? These weren't random faceless fans writing—it was you. And what you wrote… I'm fairly certain he was afraid you harbored these fears of him…"

Kili frowned, shaking his head. "Of course not—it was what the fans wanted… the comments kept coming and I lost myself in their reviews."

Kili paused, stunned by his own revelation. "Oh…"

Legolas nodded sagely.

"But he didn't have to tell you about my email," Kili objected testily.

At this Legolas chuckled. "My friend… He didn't say a word about your email, to me or to anyone else."

"Then how did you…"

"As I said," Legolas said with a slight smirk. "I've seen and done it all."


	24. Chapter 23: Azog vs Group Therapy

AN - Okay, this kinda concludes the Intervention arc it's not ROTFL humor, but rather a humorous look at a serious situation. Look for 'Azog vs the AU coming to a story near you.

* * *

**Azog vs Group Therapy**

Azog waited outside the group therapy session, hoping to talk to Kili after the meeting. He was surprised to find Fili waiting there as well.

"Why aren't you in there with him?" Azog asked worriedly. Kili needed his friends and family now more than ever and Azog had always figured that Fili would be there for his younger brother, even in something like this.

"They said it was best, since I don't really understand the issues," Fili answered as if testing their reasoning. "They did suggest a support group for the friends and families of people like Kili for me… but they said that what Kili needs here is someone who's been where he is and understands the ins and outs of the situation. Someone who can be there for him without all the familial baggage I'd bring into the session."

Azog frowned. The last thing he wanted was for Kili to be alone in there.

Fili studied him and smiled, nodding knowingly. "He has a sponsor."

"Who?"

Fili smiled. "You'd never believe me… especially with all the bad will between his dad and our uncle."

"Legolas?"

Fili nodded. "He's not that bad, once you get past the perfect skin, ethereal glow and that smug smile he gets when he's about to tease dwarves. It really helps that he's an archer, because that's something Kili can identify with, and it's something they can do together"

Azog was about to say something when the main building doors opened and people began filing out, but rather than Kili and Legolas walking out he saw Thorin, Thranduil and Elrond. His eyes narrowed with confusion and it was Fili who came to his rescue.

"That," he said, "is the group I'm supposed to join—but personally I think Thorin and Thranduil have a lot more baggage than Kili does and I think for now—it's best I let them hash things out before I join them."

Azog nodded, taking comfort in the fact that If nothing else this insanity might help bridge the gap between the Dwarven and Elven Kings.


	25. Chapter 24: Azog vs the AU

**AN - **I'd had the idea for this one for a while, and while the Kili Intervention has 'ended' it is still part of the background... unless I come up with something else. Chapter 24... not bad for a story I thought was going to be a one time deal. Who knows where it will go?

Standard disclaimers apply: This is not meant to claim rights or deny WB, MGM, WingNut, PJ or JRR.

* * *

**Azog vs the AU**

Azog had taken to avoiding fan fiction when he was around Kili, not because he was ashamed, but more out of respect. I mean, even after everything it had done to their friendship (including creating it), he still felt its draw and, yes more than a little bit of morbid curiosity wrapped in utter confusion.

At one point, after he'd quickly hidden the netbook under the table when Kili walked in, the dwarf had sat down and finally talked to him. He admitted that Azog wasn't the one who'd gone off the deep end, and for him fanfiction was more of a social thing. He, Kili, was the one with the problem and the world wasn't going to stop making fancfiction. It was just something he was going to have to learn to navigate around.

Azog had nodded, and Kili finally drew a deep breath.

"Az, I'm sorry I blamed you—and I see now that you were right to be concerned and I should be flattered that you did worry about me. I'm really sorry for chapters 10-25, and again for chapters 120-126… I didn't think about how," he paused trying to find the right words. "I didn't mean to scare you or insinuate anything about you… I just… well… I'm sorry."

Azog nodded, and when Kili noticed the look on the pale orc's face he tilted his head. "Talk to me."

Azog gave him a sheepish smile. "I was wondering if you could answer a question about… AU."

Kili chuckled, his eyes twinkling. "That's a safe question. AU is Alternate Reality… where you take us and put us in a different world… or you change a person's race, or personality, add a fifteenth member of the part… that sort of thing."

Azog nodded slowly. "I've got that part."

"But you still have a question."

Azog nodded. "I'm wondering if there's a line you draw when writing AU… something to keep the characters or the world the same…a point where it stops being AU?"

"How so?"

"Well," Azog said. "I was reading one where… We're all human… I'm a sarcastic, sardonic female Gym teacher and you all sing…"

Kili thought a moment trying to find something there that still tied back to their reality.

"We do sing," Kili offered.

Azog paused weighing the response.

"Okay… how about this one… Another school… we're all, for the most part human… Gandalf is the head master of a school for witchcraft and wizardry; Radagast is the games keeper; Galadriel teaches divination… and you and Fili are twins named Fred and George…"

"Are you sure that was an AU? Maybe you were just… "

Azog shook his head. "No, I was in the Hobbit section."

"Well, I'm not sure about the first one… but the second one is Harry Potter so… well… I guess there is a line…"


	26. Interlude: PSA from the NCftPoCtFC

AN - I think it's time for a PSA - Standard disclaimers still in play.

* * *

**Azog vs the PSA**

**KILI (V.O)**

Are you, or possibly a loved one the victim of

Fanfiction abuse. Have people been writing about

them making them feel unloved or vulnerable?

Well, now there is hope. Here at the National Center

for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fictional Characters we

can give you the support and information you need to

combat this debilitating disease. Please if you, or someone

you love is in need, call our hotline now. Remember only

you can prevent character abuse.

**AZOG (V.O.)**

This ad brought to you courtesy of Azog's hot and evil hors d'oevers.

Look for us at a taco stand near you.

**KILI (close up)**

I'm not only a spokesman for NCftPoCtFC, I'm a patient.


	27. Chapter 25: Azog vs the Barista

**AN:** Okay, I have no idea where this one came from and it ended on a very unexpected note when it did... so no spew, no barrel laugh but... something kinda sweet? For Azog? Hmmm...

* * *

**Azog vs the Barista**

It had been a long week, and although Kili assured him that his writing wasn't a problem, Azog did his best to not do it in front of Kili. The world may be filled with writers and fanfictionists, but it didn't mean the lad didn't need a place that was fiction free, and after all he'd been through lately (both literally and literaturely speaking) he needed a safe zone.

And so Azog found himself at the local coffee house on a Friday night. He had decided the 'testing the waters' in fanfiction has been a mistake and while the teacher was using it to help them break things down, it was time for him to dive in and write something he actually felt something about.

Granted it was a business proposal for Azog's Evil Tacos, and hot and evil hor d'oevers, but it was writing. The first problem he encountered of course was navigating the coffee shop menu. All he really wanted was a good old fashioned cuppa' joe, but the menu looked as if it had been written in another language.

When the barista went to take his order he was stunned. She was beautiful and … there.

He stammered slightly then shook his head in frustration. "I'd like a cup of coffee," he finally said.

"Well," she told him. "You've come to the right place. What would you like in your cup of coffee?"

Azog looked at her; then looked at the menu and then he looked back at her, looking more like a deer caught in the headlights than a coffee drinking, sword swinging orc. "Coffee?"

To his surprise, when she laughed in response, he liked the sound. It wasn't cold, or demeaning just a gentle good-natured laugh.

"Hot or cold?" She asked still laughing.

"Hot"

"Size?"

"Enough for about an hour's worth of writing?"

She smiled and nodded. "I've got you covered," she assured him, and she did. As he settled in and connected to the WiFi she brought him his cup… and then the real trouble began.

"What are you writing?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered quickly loading 'The Hobbit: Kingdoms of Middle-earth" to hide his word processor and spreadsheets.

She chuckled. "There's nothing to hide here," she assured him as she began pointing out the regulars. "Bob over there is working on an action thriller and works best after he's had three espressos. Dave is working on a mystery. Daphne's working on a SciFi dystopian retrospective… even I write… but… well…"

She paused shaking her head. "I don't write anything important."

He looked at her. "It can't be any worse than what I'm working on," he admitted as he revealed his proposals.

She rewarded him with a smile.

"So… what do you write?"

She bowed her head, and Azog almost hoped he'd heard wrong when she said "Fan Fiction."

He could feel the whirlwind starting and found himself wanting to escape.

"Look it's not that bad," she assured him. "I mean… yeah there are some people who write some pretty… well… scary stuff… but…"

"But?"

"I like to get into the character's heads. What they think about what's going on. I mean… well, since you're playing The Hobbit, let's go with that. I mean: Why did Thranduil turn his back on the dwarves? Was it because Thror wanted him to grovel at his feet? Was it because of something he'd said or done, or was it just a case of: there was nothing to be done save die? And Azog? What about him… most people write him as a beast that tortures and maims his way across middle earth."

Azog suppressed a smile as he raised an eyebrow at her and pointed out, "his name is 'Azog the defiler'."

She nodded. "Okay, you have me there but… his people had taken Moria and made it theirs. Smaug comes in chases the dwarves out of Erabor and so they go and try to take Moria back. I'm sure that in his eyes he was defending what was his."

"He did kinda decapitate Thror.'

"There was no kinda there," she agreed. "Heads did indeed roll… But it was battle and … he's more complex than just a mustache twisting villain. He has his own motivations, and people need to take that into consideration."

"Well, first off… he doesn't even have a mustache," Azog pointed out, still fighting the urge to smile at the woman.

"There is that, but think about it – "

"Okay," he said. "What about Fili and Kili?"

"See, this is where I get in trouble, because in the books they're in like their 60's by the time they're heading out on their quest. Not 13 and 18 or 21 and 26 as some would have it… they're more complex… albeit in the books they're just two names, blond and blue cloaks and … fun loving. It was Peter Jackson that made them pretty… and gave them actual personalities. They're brothers… they'll always be there for each other, but… they aren't going to be all stupid about it. They're warriors for God's sake."

He nodded. It's what he'd been saying all along.

Azog couldn't believe what he was about to say, even as the words left his lips he wasn't sure, but he couldn't help himself.

"Maybe I could read one some time?"

"I'd like that."


	28. Chapter 26: Azog vs Kili the matchmaker

A/N playing with Madlibs as Kili again... who can resist:

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**Azog vs Kili, the matchmaker (with Madlibs)**

SWMO - Looking for Companion

I enjoy long, **EVIL** walks on the beach, getting **STABBED** in the rain and serendipitous encounters with **SWORDS**. I really like piña coladas mixed with **STRONG ALE**, and romantic, candle-lit **ARROWS**. I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to **THORIN OAKENSHIELD**. I travel frequently, especially to **ERABOR,** when I am not busy with work. (I am a **DEFILER.)** I am looking for **WAR **and beauty in the form of a **ORC** goddess. She should have the physique of **GALADRIEL** and the **WARG** of **TAURIEL**. I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my **AXES.** I know I'm not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken 13 days ago, and I have since become more **CUTE.**


	29. Chapter 27: Azog vs the Fanvid

AN: Getting lost on Youtube gave way to the following tale. I hope you enjoy the latest installment of... Azog vs.

Standard disclaimers remain in play: this is a work of fan fiction, meant to entertain and not to claim any rights to the characters or world within. Tolkien is the creator of this world, his family retain the rights, Peter Jackson gave them faces and characters and Warner brothers, Wingnut and of course MGM

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**Azog vs the fanvid**

LOLcats. It started with something called lolcats and 'I can haz cheezburber.' It all seemed so innocent and fun. One minute he was looking at pictures of cute kittens, and funny captions and the next – he knew he would be haunted forever.

From lolcats, he found a cat video and one link led to another, which led to a video involving a cat, a budgie and a goat, which led to a song, he simply couldn't get out of his head and so he googled the song and then… quite by accident, he discovered a fan video, based on a songfic… only the song was so addictive he didn't even really realize it at first… until he saw Thorin, his hair blowing majestically as he looked at the camera and when they panned away— Thorin was looking at him. And the look the dwarven King gave him in the video… Azog wasn't sure how they'd done it, but somehow… let's just say Thorin had never, would never look at him that way, and he was thankful.

He tried to forget it, but the song… every time he heard the song, he saw that slow motion sweep of Thorin's hair and him approaching, not with sword drawn as he had in battle, or as he had when he'd come to warn Azog about the Mary Sue, or when he'd bring the dip for the card game… no, this was the look he never wanted to see on Thorin's face—not when it was directed at him. Fear, loathing, respect even friendship, no matter how grudging, he could take but this—this was… well, if he didn't know better he'd think he was actually in… love… with him…

The video was well done. Each scene carefully matched to the song, each movement matching the sweeping sound of strings. It haunted him, and it didn't help that the song was so insipidly catchy that he found himself humming it at odd times, but always it would come back to that image of Throin, majestic and kingly looking at him…

It haunted him. He tried avoiding the song, he tried avoiding the internet, but the song was everywhere, and that look—how had they manged to cut in *that* look? Finally he decided to try and find something that would burn the image from his mind—and it wasn't until he saw the dwavers, running from an ork hunting pack to the theme of 'The Benny Hill Show,' that he found solace.

And so it was, when Thorin saw the video and found the link to it in Azog's browser history he found himself trying to explain not only it, but the goofy smile he got after Thorin mentioned it. And so he was forced to show Thorin his method of 'escape.'

"It's not very… dignified," Thorin grumbled.

"No," Azog agreed. "But it's so much better than…" He paused, "I don't know who it's worse for.: me… with that image in my head, or you—having to deal with someone having made it look like you want me in that way."

"I think, I would rather not think about it… either," Thorin agreed. "No, I believe you're right, an undignified chase to 'Yackety Sax' is the far better choice."


	30. Chapter 28: Azog vs the Troll

**A/N** - And just when I think I'm fresh out... another story needs to be told. Enjoy!

(Standard disclaimers are still in play)

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**Azog vs the Troll**

Or The return of the Barista

It was another Friday night and Azog was humming to himself as he got ready. He'd slipped on his black jeans and a maroon turtleneck-T hoping he didn't look too slovenly or too businessy. He tried to balance hip and cool in a way that it didn't look like he was trying to look hip or cool… just… trying to look like a guy who was going to the coffee shop for a cup of coffee and some time to write in peace and not some guy so desperate he'd hit on the Barista.

Although, if he were being honest, that was exactly what he planned on doing, he ignored Fili and Kill's knowing looks and the smirks they exchanged as he headed off. The fact of the matter was he liked Niccole and the more Kili tried to set him up with someone the more he realized he wanted her to like him and accept him for who and what he was.

Not the defiler, no, Niccole had gone far past that when she'd talked to him, and he felt like they'd made some sort of connection, which only made things worse when he saw the sad look in her eyes when he asked her about her fiction.

"It was stupid," she admitted sadly as she poured his coffee. "I was just deluding myself. I'll never be more than a 'wannabe' in FanFic."

Azog's eyes narrowed and he shook his head. "I have talked to you," he said slowly. "You are intelligent, beautiful and from what I've seen you have a good sense of humor, and if your writing reflects even a third of that, there is no way anyone, with any sense could label you 'wannabe.'

She smiled and shook her head. "You haven't even read anything I've read."

"Then please," he said a gentle smile coming to his face. "Let me read some…"

She paused for a moment, then leaned over him and typed a url into his browser before disappearing back around the corner.

' '

She'd pointed him to her fiction on FFN. When he read the stories he found himself smiling. If anything the stories were wittier and more touching than he'd thought based on their conversation. He was about to say something when he saw the reviews beneath, and then his blood began to boil.

_TRITE! What a waste of time and space. If this is a sample of what you think, you should really go back and read the books/watch the movie again. Fili and Kli are juvies and the only mindless torturer worse than Azog is you for wasting our time with this crap!"_

_"__**Oh, give the girl credit, Bob. At least she spelled ' slovenly' correctly, which is more than you ever did."**_

_"Who asked you? Tell your __**girlfriend **__Bilbo would so jump Thorin's bones and Fili and Kili would be cheering for it. Who wants all this overblown intelligence crap? Fili and Kili are way too old in this and it totally ruins established cannon!"_

Azog frowned even more, hating whoever it was who had managed to take the joy of writing from her.

She gave him a worried look as she refilled his cup. "Is it that bad?"

"The story is wonderful," he assured her. "I loved everything you did with it, your play on words—the way you gave Azog a purpose, other than the obvious destroying the line of Durin and tormenting Thorin for taking his arm… I liked the idea that he felt his people's home in Moria would be assured if there were no other heirs of Durin to lay claim to it, and I even sensed his sorrow at having to hurt Kili as part of his revenge."

"Then what has you so…" She frowned as she tried to find the right word.

"Livid? Angry? Riled?" He asked then nodded. "Do you know what a troll is?"

She nodded.

"Then you know they are vile creatures who's only joy is making people more miserable than they themselves are, and they are the most wretched creatures Aule ever put on the earth, middle or otherwise. They are filthy, stupid morons who pride themselves in starting fights and taking the joy out of the world around them. Saying they're dumb as a box of rocks is insulting to the rocks, and they are crankier than a cat, trying to sleep on those rocks."

He fixed his gaze on her. "And the only thing dumber than a troll is believing one, and you are a lot smarter than that."

She gave him a half smile, then noticed the account that his browser had saved for him. He gave her a sheepish grin.

"Don't write, huh?" she said tilting her head. "KiliandFiliCannotDie73?"

He tried to look innocent but when it failed. "And now you know my secret," he admitted. "And I'll let you in on another secret… the only way to really deal with Trolls… is to hunt them down and beat them into submission."

He paused when he saw the look on her face, and then looked like a child being scolded as he added "I mean… is to ignore them since all they really want is attention."

As she smiled, he added in a petulant voice. "But beating them is so much more satisfying than ignoring them."


End file.
